Good hernia repair 2

Catheterized! Aargh!

Catheterisation choices - pain, death or a catheter bag
Catheterization - the choices

In I related how I felt great after the hernia operation and was looking forward to returning to full fitness in about six weeks time. Then something happened that freaked me out…

I couldn’t pee or poo! In hospital I had managed to pee a wee cupful so was released home with confidence that it was just a temporary blip with my waterworks. But after two days I was blowing up like a balloon because I was drinking lots of water as advised but it wasn’t leaving my body. I didn’t dare strain and risk bursting my hernia stitches.

So I had to return to hospital and was told I’d need to be catheterised. Aargh!

“Surely there was some alternative?” “Nope.” Aarrghh!

“Would I be able to stay in hospital until I recovered?” “Nope.” Aarrgghhh!

“Can I stay overnight?” “Nope, we need your bed for people with serious problems.” Aaarrrggghhh!

“This is the most serious problem I’ve ever had!” “No it’s not. Fear not, it will only take a minute.”

“OK, I give in. Go ahead.” (as if I had any choice!)

So they did it, I was sent home straight afterwards and I had to get on with it. OMG! During the fortnight that I was catheterised, carrying my urine bag around with me, I was inspired to write some “poetry”. I hope you enjoy it.

Bag Of Pee

I saw a bag of pee
Carry a bag of wee
In his mobile prison

Pee and poo had conspired
To blow him up like a balloon
That might very soon explode
And leave a horrible load
All over his living room

A tube had to be inserted
Where it really really hurted
Up into his bladder
So the dirty watter
Could once again be squirted

He cringed at the idea
He couldn’t bear to look
He shut his eyes real tight
Screwed up his face with fright
Waiting on tenterhooks

It tickled a bit, prickled a bit
Embarrassed him a bit
But soon it was all done
And though it wasn’t fun
T’weren’t half as bad as he feared it

And so now he’s tethered
A shell-shocked bag o’ leather
Passing lots and lots of pee
Into a plastic bag of wee
Strange new partners – joined together

Carbon, oxygen, hydrogen
Calcium, phosphorus, nitrogen
So consists a human being

Seventy-eight percent water
Attached to a catheter
I’d become a human weeing

I saw a human being
Carry a bag of wee
Happy to be alive
Hopeful he would thrive
Who was this I was seeing?

No longer a sorry patient
Quite full of inspiration
I was looking at myself
Grateful for my good health
I’d accepted the situation

When I am the bag of pee
Problems are what I see
Why are things so wrong?
Why does it take so long?
Why is this happening to me?

When I am a human being
I feel hope for what I’m seeing
Appreciating what I’ve got
Unworried by what I am not
Thankful for all my blessings

But there are many bags of pee
And my heart aches at what I see
For their suffering’s usually real
And I feel the pain they feel
May they find the way to be free

I thank God my difficulty
Will only be temporary
I don’t know how I’d cope
If there wasn’t any hope
Of escaping the bag of wee

The catheter will soon be gone
Time has come now to move on
Thanks and God bless you, nursing staff

May all the best things come to you
May your paperwork be cut in two
And may my little poem make you laugh.
Thank you!

An Ode To Cath E Ter

A tale of attachment

She stays by my side night and day
She does her job so faithfully
She never nags or wants her own way
She really is always there for me
We are as close as close can be
Tugs and tickles intimately!

But now the time has come
To have a heart to heart
When it comes to long-term commitment, Cath
We are really poles apart
Yes, I can take you anywhere
And on many things we might agree
But more and more I’m pretty sure
You’re going to embarrass me

Our life together’s become a drag
I imagine tongues start to wag
And what they say:
At the end of the day
At the end of the tube
Your partner’s just a dirty old bag

I know I shouldn’t worry
About what others think
You rescued me in my time of need
And it’s you I need to thank

But although I’ve grown to love you
Please understand me when I say
I will love you even more
When we go our separate way.

· · PersonalHumour


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